Ode. Ode. Ode. Fairest Ode Oh, Ode, Oh dear Ode,
Oh, dear, dear Ode, Oh, dear, dear, dear Ode,
gorgeous gem of an Ode,
epitome of elegance.
quintessence of quality,
personification of pulchritude...
Ode, how must I begin to address you?
My Ode, from the deepest, innermost, most private, most intimate,
most pulsating parts of my heart,
I must tell you, from the time I first set eyes on you,
I didn’t want us to be apart.
My Ode, it is my dream, to be with you in Wessex,
eating strawberries and cream
(in tight jeans, and one of those tops that show the tummy).
My Ode, it is my thought, to watch you j
umping around a badminton court
(in a short skirt, like the Korean women’s team wear).
My Ode, it is my desire,
to lay with you in front of a warm log fire
Ode of my passion, Ode of my life, I entreat you to become my wife.
Oh, Mother of All © Odes,
I adore you more than the sandstorms of the Sahara,
the palaces of ancient Bukhara, the railway junction in Samara,
I adore you more than all the potatoes in Idaho, Montana,
than all the lions of the savannah,
I adore you more than the most exquisite Chinese porcelain plate,
than all the apples in Washington state.
You won’t have anything to worry about,
because everything is already worked out.
Right, how about a budget flight to Copenhagen? No?
In that case, Scandinavian Airlines System from Heathrow?
Their stewardesses, gorgeous, complexion, eyes, hair too.
Of course, they’re no more attractive than you.
Then, a short hop to Odense, and we’ll marry by the sea,
and we could have a Danish pastry for our wedding tea.
After that, a honeymoon trip up the Oder, where we could see
Poland on the east bank, and on the west, Germany.
Then, we could go to across Europe to Odessa by train
and start our new life together in the Ukraine
where we would exchange our DNA code
and then create our own little Ode,
we could call Odea if it were a she,
or perhaps Odium, if it were a he.
My beautiful Ode, I most humbly implore you
to spend time with me, for you know I adore you,
Most gracious Ode, let me not suffer the torment of being away from you.
From my heart, I tell you this is true.
I must embrace you and hold you close to me.
Oh Ode, if you only knew how you would make me free;
I don’t mean later, my dearest Ode,
now, my sweetheart, before I implode.
Now, the special moment in time to enjoin with you
when it I take you as mine, and we begin life anew.
Now... AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH
STOPPP. That was a shocking experience.
Oh Ode, what is going on, why are you doing this,
when all I was doing was simply trying to give you a kiss?
Get off me, let me go, clear off, you ignorant jerk.
Can’t you read, are you really thatignorant, you stupid berk.
Next time you try to kiss, take a closer look;
I’m not a cheap ode you can pick up in any book.
I don’t understand... oh no, oh my goodness, how foolish of me.
You’re an anode, part of a battery.
Yes, and let me make it clear to you before I explode,
I’m perfectly happy with my current relationship with cathode.
Most beautiful Anode, love of my …
Listen, Ode, forget the flattery.
I am thinking of suing for assault and battery.
But darling Anode, I‘m not really to blame. I honestly didn’t know it.
I mean, don’t you think you should sue the poet...
Hum, well maybe you’re right,
but incidentally, I think I’m ‘owed’ an apology
for the emotional distress to my psychology.
Of course, absolutely, I apologise unreservedly, Fair Anode,
but the poet, you notice, did write Ode to an Ode.
Oh, yes, Ode, that’s true. You’re right, Ode. But that means he’s an idiot.
I’M NOT AN IDIOT.
Oh, capital letters, touchy, aren’t we?
In that case, Highly Intelligent Being, what it was that you did for your degree
that you can’t tell the difference between literature and electricity?
Come on, Master Poet, what challenged you? Mass Communications? Peace Studies? Sociology?
I don’t like your tone No, if you must know, actually I read Geography,
I specialised in Africa, south of the Sahara.
Oh, how you must benefit mankind knowing
that Tsavo’s full of elephants and there are lions in Masai Mara.
You hear that, Ode. Try watching ‘Born Free’; you learn that in an hour and a half.
'Cocoa comes from Ghana, oil from Nigeria,
Windhoek’s in Namibia, Monrovia in Liberia
there’s a war in the Congo, but tourists go to Gambia,
there’s fish in Lake Malawi and copper mines in Zambia.'
You mean it took you three years to absorb that.
In that case, Genius Geographer, pray tell us how
the fishing industry works in Guinea Bissau.
That’s a stupid question.
That means you don’t know.
Of course I don’t know.
Oh, Mighty Map Worm, embarrassed, are we?
Perhaps you could tell us about the Burkina Faso GNP?
That’s absurd. The Finance Ministry probably don’t know what the bloody GNP is.
And it’s obvious you don’t, either.
It’s a damn silly question.
Oh dear, dear, dear me. Fair Anode, would you agree
he knows little of elementary geography.
I KNOW A LOT ABOUT GEOGRAPHY.
How many kilometres is it from Bamako to Niamey?
Ode, it’s quite clear he learned nothing when he ‘read’ Geography.
Basic questions, and he can’t answer all three.
I think we are beginning to annoy him.
Anode, my dear. I’ll ask something a 15 year old might know.
A little less intellectually testing; how about this? In what direction does the Nile flow?
Too tricky? Right, in what countries would you find Mt Kenya, Port Sudan and Lake Chad?
Oh, he is quiet, Ode, isn’t he? No?
I refuse to rise to the bait.
I’m not surprised. You don’t appear to have the gumption to rise to anything.
One more. What country do the South African rugby team come from?
Hahahahahaha, Anode, sweetheart, I love it.
I am not going to answer. You are mocking me,
that’s not the done thing in poetry.
Really? Mocking is ‘not the done thing in poetry?’
Try reading Alexander Pope, you cretin.
I DON’T LIKE BEING CALLED A CRETIN.
In that case, Precious Poet, why don’t you vacate this poem now?
Ode, dear, show him the door.
Of course, fair Anode, my pleasure,
but I don’t recall a poet being kicked out of his poem before.
Well, you have now.
You can’t kick me out. It’s my poem.
Oh, Ode, listen to it. ‘I’m not going to answer’. ‘It’s my poem’. ‘You are mocking me’.
Bye. Off you go. Off.
That’s that, dear Ode, now it’s just you and me.
What shall we do now that idiot has gone? Are you free?
To be truthful, dearest Anode, I have enjoyed so much being with you,
but I must be off, there’s work to do, you know…
Hold on a minute, Ode my dear, I mean, do you really have to go?
My adorable Anode, I must be off again
immediately in search of an Ode for a mate.
But Ode, we hardly know each other yet,
it can’t be that urgent, couldn’t it wait?
because, for an Ode, to be honest,
I think you’re actually quite a nice chap,
you seem rather cultured, quite bright.
Thank you, fair Anode, I spend a lot of time
reading, well into the late hours of the night.
You know, Ode darling, I like your lightweight tropical suit
and with your balding cranium, you look very clean cut, in fact, rather cute.
And that perfume! You’re an ‘eau de’ cologne Ode, what do you use, Armani, Old Spice?
Thank you, fragrant Anode, no, Japanese, Zen, a Christmas present, it’s quite nice.
Oh yes, it is. May I come a little closer? Oh, I absolutely 100 % agree.
In fact, to be honest, an Ode smelling that that would, how can I put it, really suit me.
Um, listen, Ode, my honey,
I don’t want to sound too forward, but maybe we could meet?
That, pretty Anode, would be marvellous;
we could find somewhere, of course, it must be discreet....
Yes, musky Ode, somewhere secluded and quiet,
Um, let me think, what about the Hilton, Regency, or the Hyatt?
Wonderful, excellent, darling baby Anode,
there, that’s the number of my phone.
Thank you, hunky Ode, I’ll ring you,
of course when cathode’s at work, when I’m alone.
Ode, sweetie, let’s have a quick peck before we go?
Kissing someone new always is a bit of a thrill.
There’s almost nobody about. Why’s that, darling?
It’s the World Cup, silly, England versus Brazil.
Oh, Anode, my precious, that’s wonderful,
but I feel a slight tingling when you kiss.
It’s nothing to worry about, darling Ode,
anode girls anywhere do it like this.
Oh, dearest Ode, I know that we have only just met,
but if you went away from me, I know I’d be upset.
You are beginning to interest me, Ode dear,
I find you interesting, attractive, quite erudite.
Thank you, fair Anode. I feel the same. Ode,
I would love it if you were to join me for a quick bite.
What do odes fancy? Italian, Indian, Chinese?
Although I know a nice, little brasserie…
Anode, sweetheart, as long as it’s clean and quiet,
and I’m with you, it’s fine with me.
Oh, Ode, come, the place is not far from here
They do a wonderful ploughman’s lunch
and serve cold Hungarian beer.
I would love to, baby Anode, but I am off with
the Train spotters club this afternoon, to Crewe
You wait on a platform and watch trains? Yes, I ‘m
the club secretary; maybe in a day or two?
Oh, no, Ode, why so long? Alright, Anode, my beauty,
tomorrow, 10 am. I’ll meet you here.
Oh, my rugged Ode, let me hold you.
Hug me, sweetheart. I can’t wait for you to re appear.
Right, my gorgeous masculine Ode, I shall miss you,
but adieu until we meet again.
Ciao, sweetheart Anode, me too, but why are you smiling?
Oh, I was thinking about a weekend in the Ukraine.
