Company
Exploration and Research Trans-galaxy Holdings plc
Spacecraft
the Earthworm
Provolvoton TJ/7711
Flight Commander Colonel Cwrwcraf Crai
First Pilot Capt Pinkiepunk
Second Pilot Lt Bombaman
Astro-Navigator Lt Mabuk
Radar Navigator Sgt Tembikai Hwa
Thermo-Engineer Lt Panas-cik
Nuclear Engineer Lt Pisangpeng
Doctor Capt Ten Toe heng Ah chop chop
galaxy aihwainsourmilkyweigh
sector Kualadungun 2000
quadrant kenanga 43
We have been exploring the new solar system, with its nine planets.
Maybe, depending on your interpretation, eight.
One appears to have suffered enormous impact; has a kind of gaseous ring,
but, and this is most interesting, the outer parameters seem to stretch, changing its length
Now, if there is something tugging them, that might mean there may be the possibility of a tenth,
maybe, depending on your interpretation, nine;
the sensors working on that, but so far, have found nothing.
The sun itself we’ve called Mataharipermaisuri,
in honour of the Princess of Kampungnarberth.
I know it’s not strictly following regulations - we don’t, anyway - but she is Royal family,
and her father, well, is Chairman of E.A.R.T.H.
The first planet is hot indeed during the sun-phase, 200 Celsius, but
in the moon-out, the temperature drops to well below freezing point;
it would appear to have no strategic mining or economic importance,
so it would hardly be worth colonising; pretty useless joint.
Although it could be used as a testing site for experimental weaponry;
it wouldn’t matter too much what you hit, or just about hit;
personally, I’d like it used as a training camp for our youth,
they are too soft, and it would toughen them up a bit.
Their idea of passing their time is hanging round a shopping plaza,
pinching each other, laughing, lifting ice-cream, peanuts, other minor crime;
a stint on this place would do them good. I can’t think of many places where
all four seasons come in such a short range of time.
Lieutenant Panas-cik, the Thermo-Engineer thought we might name it,
after one of our earliest female pioneer scientists, heat conduction, many eons ago, Mère Curie,
you recall our Physics class of course, but was mis-transcribed onto the map
by the navigator; then into the computer as the word, ‘Mercury’.
He is a good crewmember, but he has, how can we put it?
a bit of a problem with the bottle,
Off duty, it doesn’t matter, but it’s worrying
because his work area is near the main throttle.
You know the expression ‘duty free’?
Rhetorical, I know.
But this chap takes it from time to time, quite literally.
I have this recurring dream of him falling asleep at work,
then crashing into the main engine control, terrifying the crew,
sending us spinning at some horrendous momentum,
turning us into a ground-breaking, (record-breaking in its length) barbecue.
The second planet is hot, covered by clouds of CO2,
or some other such muck, it seems to be a fairly useless, generally unpleasant place,
where one would not wish to be stuck.
Myself, I’d use it as chemical warfare training, part of it,
the rest as an extermination camp for the dregs of our race.
It was surveyed by Sergeant Venn and Corporal Huss,
both experienced in their work, they are among the best
with the former taking the eastern sector, the latter the west.
There was some confusion on the bridge when
the helmsman asked me ‘Who is that?’ pointing at the two;
I thought the answer Veen n’Huss correct, forgetting that in Paka where he comes from,
‘who’ means ‘what’, and ‘what’ means ‘who’.
He turned to the navigator, pointed, and muttered Veen Huss.
The navigator looked at me, from his seat aft;
I nodded, mistakenly thinking the helmsman
was referring to the crew of the two survey craft.
It’s a bit unfortunate that the navigator has a drink problem; he says to cope
with not knowing where he is most of the time; I assume he means in personality,
rather than geography; shaking, and rubbing the two-day growth on his cheeks,
he whispered the letters V-E-N-U-S to me.
I didn’t hear him clearly, but not wanting him to get the bottle
out on the bridge, (I thought it might be bad for morale – you agree?) I said ‘OK’.
In a ‘high’ condition, he assumed I meant the planet,
then punched the name ‘Venus’ into the chart right away
Anyway, it is on the Astronavigator’s Map, but shortened for space, although
there is plenty of that here, ha, ha - you see what’s happening to me.
Computer reject; no sarcasm or humour
The third planet is largely covered by water,
much of it saline,
much of the land masses seem polluted,
the place anodyne.
Unlike the first two planets, this one is inhabited,
the species of some perspicacity,
but rather war like, on a small scale,
with a tendency to mendacity,
resulting in a situation that to us is most strange,
the inequality between rich and poor is of an enormous range.
Many of the inhabitants seem to be
on the verge of subsistence;
the rich on the other hand seem quite content
with their existence.
But it’s their planet, at least for the time being, so they
can do as they please
with only the simple weaponry on this explorer craft,
they could be eradicated with ease.
Their technology is nothing; nowhere near good enough
to detect us in broad daylight, even though
we are orbiting just outside their gravity,
and as we are surveying, moving very slow.
However, finding a suitable name is proving more contentious,
a variety of names being suggested, some frankly pretentious.
One of the morons that pass as technicians these days suggested Aquaspheria
that gave rise, for reasons best known to themselves, to ribald hysteria.
I honestly don’t know how they qualify these days; you
and I had a much harder time, that’s a fact.
One half-wit came up with Hydroglobaliana.
I told him it sounded like a disease of the intestinal tract.
Waterworld was another, which suggests to me
a garish massage parlour, frequented by spotted youth at night.
One cretin, painting her nails, told me she thought,
‘Blue Planet would sound ever so nice’. Yes, you read that right.
Worse than that however was the rapid eye blinking
and the lip-biting smile she gave. You would have thought
she’d just discovered some bloody new law of astrophysics;
it really makes one wonder what they are being taught.
Anyway, Colonel, I fear for the future of our race.
I must get back. We have the other planets (what’s the definition they use now?)
and their moons to check out,
plus what appears to be a fairly nasty asteroid belt
with plenty of large chunks whizzing about.
Plenty to do, and not much time,
bearing in mind the brainpower of most of the crew; we must pick up the pace.
In the meantime, maybe you could let me have your thoughts on
what on earth I can call this place.
Best wishes from the Earthworm
Cwrwcraf
PS the language computer apparently is programmed for expletives. I didn’t know that.
